The Possession (Screenplay)

Bio: Smith lives in L.A. and writes spec screenplays. Contact.

Logline: Emily is forced to visit her grandmother for the weekend. Her grandmother also happens to be possessed by the devil. (HORROR/COMEDY)

PDF.

Comments --

Dustin,

I’m going to ignore formatting and grammar. Try and talk about the big picture stuff –

You’ve written a strong, but cliched intro. I have nothing wrong with that (I wrote the most generic teen drama ever), that said cliché doesn’t bother me, but it bothers others. Honestly, if I was a studio exec and reading this as a spec screenplay I probably wouldn’t make it past page 4 because your script is so much like the beginning of the Exorcist/Constantine/ any exorcism type movie. Girl tied to a bed, crazy demon shit, some killing, etc. I’d go bigger with it; I’d go Final Destination big with it. Have the deaths be bigger. We talked about Drag Me To Hell and the beginning of that movie was bigger. It had a kid dragged to Hell, which essentially set up Alison Lohman’s downfall at the end. Your movie doesn’t have any sort of conclusive bite, it has instead, reoccurrence, the idea that the demon will continue to posses’ people over and over again, which is a morbid thought, but I think the reason Drag Me To Hell was so strong was because it had a detective element in it. Lohman and Mac Guy searched for ways to stop the curse, they had a list of plans from that Indian dude, and they tried to exorcize that demon. I know I’m recounting stuff you already know, but that said, I think your movie needs something more concrete. Half your movie contains Emily trying to survive Grandma, which is awesome, but I think there needs to be some sort of goal for Emily, “this is how I stop it,” the audience will get behind you and then when your ending is as dark as it is now, it’ll be fine.

Moving on—

I’d cut down the cussing tenfold, it’s quite a bit more shocking when she says “they fucking lied” on page 55 if you de-emphasize the cursing in every sentence. You can still have her curse especially when you bring in the point about Grandma telling Emily’s mom not to curse.

Page 50. The midpoint. Grandma chases Emily after a good conversation about where I think your plots going to go, Emily could get possessed. The buildup begins strong, but falls flat when Emily gets to her room. I need a sense of urgency, I don’t feel this. You do a good job of showing Emily’s realization after seeing Rusty’s corpse, but again, Grandma/demon tension falls flat. I’d have her break into the room, then have another fight but this time, Emily knocks her out then does all the duct-tape, rope stuff.

Page 60 – Buford/Wilson dialogue. You’ve got the opportunity for a good joke here. –Bullshit, dad.
--Bullshit’s the day you were conceived/Bullshit’s your face (not good)/Bullshit’s your mom’s uterus, etc.

Page 61 -- Gaylord? Out of the blue. Plus, wittier response are possible – “Really, assclown (not that but, you know).”

Henry’s dialogue about blood on shirts = awesome.

Cut the exposition by starting later, open onto the line of “Ms. Milum’s possessed by the devil….” You’re reiterating information our already smart audience will be able to interpret. Start later, problem solved. Sidenote: because you’ll be cutting a lot, work in the hammer line, it’s a good callback.

Wilson = pretty lol.

Why would Henry’s dad/Wilson not accompany them to stop a devil possession? I’d address this issue.

So Grandma/devil can crack her bones into place and or break furniture easily but she can’t rid herself of some duct-tape/rope? I’d consider making this a better reason. No reason something as simple as this should cause anyone to not make this movie. It needs to get made. Basically, you should have a cross or a symbol or something anti-devil-like be around her so that it makes sense why Grandma can’t get free. “Henry, remove the cross, etc.”

I feel like Pat/Linda get along pretty well at the beginning of your story and then you show me on page 78 that they’re not. Arguing about music? An issue for getting divorced? Trivial. I need something bigger. Something legitimate. Also, now that I think about this you ran into the issue of show vs. tell – you reveal in dialogue exposition of Emily to Rusty “they always do this/fighting and arguing.” We come in on the tail end of an argument but I don’t feel the hate. Create actual conflict for Pat/Linda, I’ll get behind Emily’s sadness, then when you reveal it from Grandma to Emily, I’ll care (more). Page 11-14 establish this, but it’s more jokey/sarcastic which leads me to believe they somewhat like each other, I’d rework it so they seriously are on the verge of breaking up. Sidenote: page 81/82 onwards you do a good job of showing evidence of a divorce – I’d play this up earlier!

CAPS. I’d cut them. I’m In the middle of writing a horror script as well, I understand the urge to have them, but they distract. I can’t follow a pattern as to why you have them (besides sounds), thusly they annoy me. I’ve heard (and read) that JJ Abrams’ capitalizes sections of his scripts (read: LOST’s pilot), and he mentioned he does it to change up the flow and attract studio heads into pacing, and allow reader’s to understand the urgency of the story. Also, LOST does things its own ways like cussing during description, making everything less formal and more free flow, apparently ABC execs eat this shit up.

For example, copied out of Lost’s pilot (an exceptional piece of writing, but we’re not Abrams quite yet) –

777 – PASSENGER AIRLINE – 250-Seater – the MIDDLE SECTION of the fuselage PLOWED INTO THE SAND – one WING STICKING STRAIGHT UP, TOWERING SEVEN STORIES INTO THE SKY, sporadic SPARKS BURSTING FROM THE INVERTED ENGINE, showering down on the absolute MAYHEM on the sand –

It’s good writing, visual, vivid, emotional. But, again, I think caps are annoying in the same way writer’s tend to be like: “and then we look up to find a GHOST!” Capitalization marks bug the shit out of me, usually I’m willing to forgive it, but I feel like it’s the writer screaming at me telling me “hey! Look at how exciting this is!” If you’re confident in your ability to write, you’ll execute these ideas in the story, the dialogue, the tension. You don’t need caps to get this idea across. Your writing is strong enough to survive on its own without capitalization.

The ending—

Once Pat and Linda arrive, Emily/demon running around trying to hide the evidence is good. Especially because I was rooting for Emily/demon to not get discovered by Pat/Linda. The fact that you create pathos with demon Emily is exceptional. I shouldn’t root for Emily, but I DO. It’s awesome. My only suggestion on the ending is extend the conflict of Pat/Linda moving about the house. It’s awesome, especially the bat lines, I want to see more. I’d add in one more page of it.

Dude, Henry never hammered ANYTHING. WTF. I wanted that so badly. The audience will also. Henry needs to hammer something immediately. You set it up then forgot to call it back (minus lines).

This script should be 90 pages. I’d work on cutting extraneous bits out, because studio produced horror movies shouldn’t run longer than 90 pages. It’s arbitrary, it’s bullshit, but it’s the way Hollywood works.

What can you cut?

1. The opening can be tightened to two pages.
2. Emily at school. You never call any of this back. It can be shortened to at least two pages.
3. Emily’s search for Rusty. You can eliminate a page. (almost to ninety!)
4. Dialogue. Shorten Henry’s monologues. He talks for quite a bit when we first meet him. The masturbation thing? Can be funny. I’m in different. Check with others.
5. Tighten stuff around the midpoint. The chase can be executed more quickly, with more life threatening situations thrown in.

I’d check out “Cabin in the Woods,” it’s written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard (Cloverfield, LOST, etc.) It’s a damn fine example of how to write horror. Whedon and Goddard play up tension and pay off call backs pretty well. Yes, it’s an average horror movie, but the script is written competently.

Other thoughts—

Why does Granma talk about Heathcoat if she’s already possessed?

When exactly does she become possessed? If you answered this, I missed it, I’d make it clearer.

Grandma needs to be more threatening. She cusses a lot, she makes Emily uncomfortable, you can improve raising the stakes with physical danger. Maybe introduce a bit where she’s intellectually scary to Emily. I can control Henry, others, animals, etc.

Maybe if you introduced Grandma’s descent into possession different – for example, what if you showed her sticking her hand into boiling water? Leaving the microwave on too long, the oven, thereby working in physical danger towards Emily. You could also mix these types of things in with aging or her general oldness.

Overall, it’s solid material. I wish we could sit down in person (I’ll be in LA come Jan) to sharpen dialogue. I have a hard time talking about dialogue in notes. I think your dialogue could be a bit snappier, this is first draft, I’d look at ways to shorten lines and make them more punchy. Example, Henry’s heart speech at the end. That rambles a bit too long, in revisions you’ll likely shorten it.

Readers: feel free to criticize my comments or the script. Round table is the best type of table.